Exploring Beliefs about Being a Parent
A mom lectures her son about his dirty dishes in the sink. A dad punishes his daughter for talking back and not being respectful. A step mother bites her tongue as her stepdaughter curses at her. A step father tells his wife how she should punish her son for not calling when he was out past his curfew. Why would these parents in these various roles do what they do to their children and step children? How do parents learn how to parent their kids, let alone someone elses children? In all cases, behavior is a direct result of a persons beliefs.
And yet not very many adults know where their thoughts about parenting come from. For lots of adults, the way they parent is a direct result of how they were parented. Most thoughts about parenting are actually formed starting at infancy and get solidified by early childhood. These thoughts are so ingrained, and so much a part of a persons make-up, that they are very unconscious and not very easily accessed.
By knowing what your thoughts are about parenting and where those beliefs come from, you get to find out whether or not your beliefs are accurate. Children have a different thinking process and often make meanings about the world that fit their way of thinking, and those thoughts are not necessarily based on true information. Adults find themselves acting badly to parenting problems in ways they never imagined they would, and they are often unaware of what is really running them underneath their actions.
ACTION STEP
Take action towards pinning down your childhood assumptions about parenting by allotting some unbroken, solitary time together as a pair. Or, if you dont have a partner or spouse currently, elect to do this with another single parent to get some mutual support and benefit. Decide who will begin sharing and who will ask the questions. Be prepared to alternate roles midway through so that each of you gets the same amount of time to share.
Ask curious questions about each other's pre-adolescent years. Discover who the central parental figures were for each of you. Learn about how each of you was parented and what worked for you and what you wished had been otherwise. Delve into the likely assumptions you made about being a parent as a result of how you were parented. Be absorbed and responsive in what your partner has to say.
For sample questions to ask, see http://www.Blended-Families.com/stephero/beliefs.php
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