Exploring Parenting Values from Your Childhood
A mother lectures her son about his used dishes in the sink. A father punishes his daughter for talking back and not being respectful. A step mother holds her tongue as her stepdaughter swears at her. A stepfather tells his wife how she ought to punish her son for not checking in when he was out past curfew. Why would these parents in these various roles behave the way they do to their birth children and stepchildren? How do people learn how to parent their kids, let alone someone elses children? In every case, behavior is a result of a persons beliefs.
And yet not very many adults know where their beliefs about the way they parent come from. For lots of adults, the way they parent is a result of how they were parented. The majority of beliefs about parenting are really formed beginning at infancy and get solidified by early childhood. These beliefs are so ingrained, and so much a part of a persons make-up, that they are very unconscious and not very easily accessed.
By knowing what your beliefs are about parenting and where those beliefs come from, you get to find out whether or not your beliefs are accurate. Kids have a magical way of thinking and often make beliefs about the world that fit their way of thinking, and those beliefs are not necessarily based on correct information. Adults find themselves reacting to parenting situations in ways they never thought they would, and they are often not aware of what is really running them underneath their actions.
ACTION STEP
Take action towards identifying your childhood assumptions about parenting by allotting some unbroken, secluded time together as a couple. Or, if you dont have a partner or spouse at this time, elect to do this with another single parent to get some mutual support and benefit. Decide who will begin sharing and who will put forward the questions. Be prepared to alternate roles midway through so that each of you gets the same amount of time to share.
Inquire about each other's pre-adolescent years. Discover who the central parental figures were for each of you. Figure out how each of you was parented and what worked for you and what you wanted to be different. Explore the likely assumptions you made about parenting as a result of how you were parented. Be engaged and interested in what your partner shares with you.
For sample questions to ask, see http://www.Blended-Families.com/stephero/beliefs.php
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